I Can Fix Him (No Really, I Can)
Whoa, Maybe I Can't
Hi (No) Wonder-ers,
Dramatic, sweeping, highly noticeable, very visible changes make for undeniably great entertainment. It's captivating to watch untapped potential being realized before our eyes. We love seeing frogs turning into handsome princes, ugly ducklings turning into beautiful swans, ragtag groups of innately talented athletes gelling together into polished winning teams, homophobic jerkfaces on HGTV turning dilapidated houses into livable homes, and '90s comedies turning the frumpy bespectacled-stealthily-hot-art nerd into the still-hot-but-now-people-notice-because-she's-not-wearing-glasses art nerd.
Yes, kids. '90s comedies really did ask us to suspend disbelief that Rachel Leigh Cook wasn't already All That to begin with.
(Shout-out to millennial women who spent their formative years growing up amid beauty standards where Rachel Leigh Cook in glasses was somehow considered "ugly." That must have been a real mindfuck.)
Dramatic conversions, upgrades, turnarounds, and glow-ups are entertaining - which is why we see them everywhere.
But is it reasonable to expect this from our partners, or our relationships? Can people change IRL as dramatically as they do in the movies?
Can people dramatically change? Yes.
Should we count on it? No.
People naturally resist change. When we're asked to change, we often respond (at least initially) with denial, anger, shame, and embarrassment. We feel inadequate. None of these things, on the surface, help relationships. Change requests, no matter how well-intentioned, can greatly strain a relationship - especially if they are pervasive and persistent. It takes a special, and frankly uncommon, type of self-reflectiveness to work past these initial feelings and change successfully.
Research shows that there are ways of mitigating the initial knee-jerk emotions change requests elicit:
- Change reappraisal, cognitively reframing the change request in a positive way, decreases the negative emotions felt when people are asked to change.
- "It would really turn me on if you showered every day."
- Change suppression; i.e., negatively framing the request ("don't do this/that") sabotages change efforts, increases the aforementioned negative emotions, thereby decreasing the likelihood of an intrinsic, sustained, positive change.
- "Oh for fuck's sake, you pathetic slob, would it kill you to shower every day? Must you always smell like stale skunk farts? Jesus Hentai Christ!"
Setting aside the fact that grown adults ideally need no external prodding in order to exercise basic hygiene, the former is associated with more favorable, durable, and sustainable outcomes than the latter: improved marital quality over time, decreased conflict-related distress. If the change request is framed - and seen - as a sign the person making it is invested enough to want better (as opposed to a sign that the change-requester is primarily dissatisfied with the way things currently are), then it's more likely to be successful. Seeing as how sustainable change comes from within, and seeing as how someone can truly change only when they themselves intrinsically want to change, change reappraisal stands the best chance at effecting change by guiding someone past - or, better yet, around - those initial knee-jerk negative emotions. If someone can manage and get past those initial knee-jerk emotions, they are more to make the change because they are more likely to want to make the change.
In contrast, leaning into the knee-jerk negative emotions via change suppression may produce a short-term result... but ultimately yields worse consequences: depressed mood, decreased effort toward personal goals, and poorer relationship quality. Thus, with change suppression people are less likely to change because the negative emotions will make them less likely to want to change.
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/02654075221078881
In addition to change reappraisal, gratitude is another facilitator of sustainable and durable change. A 2024 study in partner regulation noted that gratitude for partners' earnest change efforts helped increase autonomous motivation, thereby making change efforts more successful and durable. Thus, expressing gratitude for a partner's earnest effort is a very powerful way to keep the trajectory of positive change going - and to make the change more likely to be permanent - because it helps the partner autonomously want to keep going. Gratitude helps someone navigate difficult changes, and stops them from rage-quitting when the going gets rough. So if a partner is doing something you like and you feel grateful for this, definitely let them know. It's what Ted Lasso would do.
https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/01461672241246211
It's also worth mentioning that not all change requests are made in good faith, and we need to exercise a bit of discernment in knowing which change requests are reasonable ones to make or entertain. For example, demanding that a partner make an irreversible cosmetic change to their body, as was the case for 36.7% of patients in one study who underwent labiaplasty, is less of a change request than it is a red fucking flag that the partner feels entitled to your body. At least that odious Nazi shitbird Nick Fuentes had the transparency to say "your body my choice" out loud instead of trying to sugarcoat it. Same goes for partners who try to restrict access to another's family, friends, hobbies, or other aspects central to their identity. Change requests can often be an insecure partner's way of trying to frame their insecurity as your problem. But your partner's feeling of insecurity is their problem, not yours - so the insecurity, not the trigger, is what needs changing.
Thus, the safe bet is to assume that our partner(s) essentially are who they are: what you see is what you get. We can reliably change only ourselves, and our ability to change others is limited. If we are in a position where change is desired, we stand the best chance of effecting that change by focusing on gratitude and positive messaging. However, making the future of a relationship contingent on another person changing who they are is a recipe for premeditated resentment.
Disney plot value aside, it's often better and more realistic to accept the frog as is (or not!) than to resent it for not becoming a prince. Sometimes the frog stays a frog no matter how much you kiss it.
Sorry To Burst Your Bubble,
Merrit
Additional Resources:
Alli Spotts-De Lazzer, MA, LMFT, LPCC, CEDS-C
Karl Pillemer Ph.D.
Suzie Pileggi Pawelski, MAPP and James Pawelski, Ph.D.