Nice Guys Finish Last?
Or was Leo Durocher wrong?
Hi (No) Wonder-ers,
I try to be kind, attentive, and thoughtful in my relationships. Sometimes I even succeed - often enough for people to call me a "nice guy."
The kind of guy that supposedly "finishes last," according to former Brooklyn Dodgers manager Leo Durocher. It's worth noting that even though Durocher became an unlikely civil rights icon by enthusiastically supporting Jackie Robinson's integration into MLB; "Leo the Lip" was brash, controversial, in-your-face, and... well, not what many would consider a "nice guy."
Given how prevalent the "nice guys finish last" trope has become, what's interesting is that the phrase itself had a vague origin that Durocher himself modified over the course of his life and career. The scrappy, win-at-all-costs Durocher had as much use for decorum as the word "lasagna" has for the letter G. Durocher thought that an emphasis on decorum and "niceness" distracted from the greater goal of winning baseball games. He originally articulated this point by describing his rivals, the 1946 New York Giants, as follows:
"The nice guys are all over there, in seventh place."
Then Durocher, in his autobiography ("Nice Guys Finish Last"), paraphrased his original quote into two separate sentence fragments ("Nice guys. Finish last."), and then Dr. Doofenshmirtz's "historical sentence together-inator" mashed them together into "Nice guys finish last." Q.E.D.
In "Nice Guys Finish Last," Durocher provided some key context: Durocher was describing his player Eddie Stanky as "the nicest gentleman who ever drew breath, but when the bell rings you’re his mortal enemy." So, at least retrospectively, Durocher was not implying that otherwise kind and thoughtful people can't succeed in their chosen endeavors; mainly, he was glorifying tenacity and competitiveness in the context of sport. In that regard, Durocher never intended for "Nice Guys Finish Last" to apply to anything but baseball games.
He certainly never meant for it to become a mantra that spurned men who identify as "nice guys" - Nice Guys (TM) - tell themselves when denied the romantic attention they felt they were owed.
Damn, that r/niceguys rabbit hole runs DEEP.
It's full of self-identified Nice Guys(TM) blaming their relationship failures on their "niceness," and on prospective partners not valuing "niceness." Nice Guys(TM) frequently tell themselves that "she doesn't want a nice guy like me, she wants a jerk like Chad." This is a certainly a comforting narrative a Nice Guy(TM) can tell himself when he wants to avoid considering the unpleasant possibility that he might not be as "nice" as he thinks he is.
But is there any truth to it?
No. Research shows quite the opposite. In a study of 64,000 women in 180 countries, KINDNESS was the trait most frequently (88.9%) cited as "very important," with SUPPORTIVENESS (86.5%), INTELLIGENCE (72.3%), EDUCATION (64.5%), and CONFIDENCE (60.2%) rounding out the top 5.
Straight men are not getting rejected for possessing a quality that almost 90% of women view as "very important."
Nice Guys(TM) get rejected, and deservedly so. Their transactional sexual/relationship scripts center themselves and discount the value of friendship, which they view as an agonizing layover at FRZ en route to Poundtown. Their expectations set Nice Guys(TM) up for disappointment, which they take out on their romantic interests in unhealthy and often violent ways.
With Nice Guys(TM), everyone finishes last.
Admittedly, genuinely kind, thoughtful, communicative, attentive, well-adjusted men also experience rejection. However, the latter aren't hindered by a transactional sexual/relationship script and its tacit expectations. Genuinely kind, thoughtful men value and accept prospective partners' autonomy rather than "shoulding" all over it. Genuinely kind men are comfortable enough with themselves and their emotions to process rejection in a healthy, productive manner... but given how much prospective partners value kindness and supportiveness, genuinely kind men are less likely to encounter rejection in the first place.
Kindness Over Niceness,
Merrit
P.S. Green Day's "Nice Guys Finish Last" is an absolute banger that is sneakily profound, and pulls the mask right off of these Nice Guys(TM) like the end of a Scooby-Doo cartoon.
