The Ace Place

Under My Umbrella

Hi (No) Wonder-ers,

In addition to my mother’s birthday (Happy Birthday Ma, love you!) April 6 is also International Asexuality Day. JK Rowling, “Harry Potter” author turned full-time bigot, saw it fit to make the asexual (“Ace”) community her latest hate target. 

Anyone JK Rowling dislikes is definitely worth amplifying in my book. Which you’re reading right now, even if it’s not yet in literal book form.

The Ace community is not a monolith, but a spectrum of different identities. Developing terminology to describe Ace identities and expressions helps to normalize them, and this is one thing the Ace community does very well. There’s an entire glossary of terms to help with this:

Asexual/Ace: Umbrella term describing anyone who feels little to no sexual attraction.

Allosexual/Allo: Not asexual; experiences sexual attraction.

Gray Asexual/Graysexual: Experiences mild and/or rare sexual attraction. The “gray area” between completely asexual and completely allosexual.

Demisexual: Experiences sexual attraction only after a close emotional bond is formed.

Fraysexual: Experiences initial sexual attraction that fades as an emotional bond forms.

Lithosexual: Feels sexual attraction that they do not want reciprocated.

Autosexual: Feels sexual attraction to oneself.

Reciprosexual: Feels sexual attraction only to people they confirm are sexually attracted to them first.

Cupiosexual: Does not experience sexual attraction, but desires a sexual relationship. (From Latin "cupere" meaning "to desire.")

Idemsexual: Experiences platonic and sexual attraction similarly. (From Latin "idem" meaning "the same.")

Aceflux: Asexual identity fluctuates within the asexual identity spectrum.

Acespike: Asexual with brief, intense spikes of sexual attraction.

Quoisexual: “What”-sexual. Difficulty understanding sexual attraction as it pertains to themselves. 

Fictosexual: Sexual attraction to and/or influenced by fictional characters.

Erassexual: Used to experience sexual attraction, no longer does. (From Latin “eram/eras/erat,” past tense of “to be.”)

Caedsexual: Erassexuality following a traumatic sexual experience. (From Latin “caedere” meaning “to cut down, to kill.”)

Aegosexual: Experiences sexual attraction but not the desire to engage in sexual activity.

Thus we can see that the Ace umbrella covers many different queer identities, plus additional identities and expressions that might not fit neatly into a term. Many of them also have flags associted with them. Vexillologists rejoice!

The terminology also suggests that the Ace community, contrary to popular belief, have contemplated the nature of sexual attraction on a more cerebral level than many allosexual folks have. Instead of labeling themselves as categorically having or lacking the capacity for sexual attraction, Ace folks assess the specific circumstances under which sexual attraction occurs when it does occur. They thoughtfully consider influences such as emotional bonding, and the timing of sexual attraction with relation to emotional bonding. They differentiate between sexual attraction and sexual relationships, with cupiosexuals in particular wanting the latter despite not experiencing the former. 

Ace folks are not uniformly people who have decided they don’t experience sexual attraction; Ace folks have thoughtfully considered and evaluated the extent to which the idea of sexual attraction as presented to them by society and media is relevant to them, and frankly all humans can learn from this process. It is much better for us to earnestly appraise our societal and cultural influences, and earnestly assess how they fit in with our unique identities and experiences, than it is to shoehorn ourselves into the societal and cultural ideals we’ve blindly accepted. The former will be a truer reflection of ourselves.

Of course, deconstructing and questioning “norms” requires an uncomfortable reckoning. It requires us to be comfortable with discomfort. It requires us to be curious to learn. 

Bigots like JK Rowling would rather cling to the illusory comfort of their narrow worldview, and mete out hateful judgement based on it, rather than be curious enough to learn. Ms. Rowling and her ilk are intensely judgemental and not at all curious, much like the naysayers Ted Lasso talks about in this Darts Scene. This is one of my favorite scenes in the history of television.

Ace folks have thought about the nature of their intimacy with so much sophistication and nuance that they have a glossary of terms – complete with Latin roots and corresponding flags – and it is still isn’t enough to fully reflect the Ace-spectrum’s diversity. JK Rowling might have learned something if she were curious enough to ask earnest questions. Unfortunately, she’s chosen not to let curiosity get in the way of the self-soothing ignorance she weaponizes against people who deserve much better. 

Be curious and nonjudgemental,

Merrit